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When B(h)enji accepted the Impossible Mission

My mission, should I choose to accept it was to locate Bagwati and ensure it’s safety.

Okay so story time. A little while back (it feels like centuries ago) when the pandemic had eased out and life was slowly crawling back to normal, my maa came home after a little rendezvous with two of her close friends. I sensed a happy mood, maybe I could slip in a request for a set of acrylic markers. Alas, before I could make that request maa realised her wallet was missing from her handbag. Let’s name it Bagwati because ZNMD feels during the lockdown 🙂

Lo and behold, my panicked mother was now sweating profusely, tension lines all over her face and her blood pressure levels shot through the sky. Needless to say, Bagwati had a lot of important identification cards along with the obvious cash. Okay…think back. Maybe she left Bagwati in the car? Not there. Maybe one of her friends mistakenly took it with themselves? Called and verified. Nope. They were clueless as well. So now only two clear options remained on the table. First- someone had nicked Bagwati. In that case should we get started with getting the cards blocked? But what if it was the second case- Bagwati had been left behind somewhere unintentionally. Before jumping to conclusions, lets see if we can trace back the steps.

Also, side note. I’m walking you through this at a very slow pace. By this time my dismayed mother had hijacked my sister and they ~nearly flew~ to the mall that had been the venue for my mother and her friends’ outing.

All the while, I am left sitting behind at home. Kaafi FOMO. So, what did I decide to do? I used the two things I am always rebuked for using. My laptop and my phone. A quick search on the internet to get the Pantaloon store’s number. Listened to the entire corona warning caller-tune just to know the number wasn’t valid. I’ll have to think bigger now. Mall’s phone number. Hopefully some one will pick that up. To be honest I never thought that’s a phone number I’ll have to dial. An annoyed person did answer the call probably expecting some inquiries about a lost child somewhere in the mall. To annoy him further it was just a weirdo asking for the Pantaloon store’s number with such urgency. I am so sure as soon as he got off the call, he must have thought to himself that he doesn’t get paid enough to deal with such weird requests.

After another round of the corona caller-tune, hello Mr. Pantaloons guy who was probably just a salesperson at the store. Who was at his home. Chilling on his day off. Thankfully he sympathised with the predicament and was kind enough to direct me towards calling the store’s manager who was on site. As if the manager had gotten his call-that-turned-him-into-a-superhero, he jumped right into the role of the protagonist of his life and within the next two minutes I got a call back saying they had located the missing Bagwati. Another corona caller-tune suffixed with a quick call to my mother and sister to inform them that I (damn you, English grammar. I wanted to capitalise ‘I’ as a way to emphasise my contribution but now it just looks like another ordinary ‘I’) had located the adventurous Bagwati all the while being seated in a chair.

If you get the vibes of the super-important tech guy in movies who has like a bazillion screens in front of him, headsets on and eyes glued to a screen all the while spiting instructions into a microphone, you’re not the only one my friend. I never knew being the supporting character that is usually huddled up in a chair in a shady van could be so satisfying. If the Pantaloon’s manager had his hero moment, I had my side-hero moment at home. And before you ask, yes I imagined some audience applause for me. (My entire life is The Office and I fluctuate between being Jim and Kelly) Cue some Mission Impossible music please.

Hello new set of acrylic markers. Nobody’s gonna deny my request after I ensured Bagwati’s safety.

P.S. Too many movie refences, haina? But come on, the pun in the title is so good that I risked the self-burn.

P.S.S. If you are unaware, please google ‘Benji from Mission Impossible’. Thank you.

I wouldn’t realise if there was a gas leak!

So, about a month back, I contracted the covid-19 virus, but thankfully it wasn’t severe and I’ve recovered. Though I did face the common symptoms including the loss of smell. To be honest I am not a very keen observer of the smells around me on a daily basis unless it’s a very pungent smell or an extremely fragrant perfume. And this is partly the fault of my grade 11 and 12 Chemistry teacher.

Every Chemistry student in an Indian school knows that half the reagents in the Chemistry lab are just glass bottles filled with tap water. Moreover, half these students only are responsible for replacing reagents with tap water. The point being, one never really does expect the accurate result from any chemistry experiment. Specially in 11th and 12th. We learn what the result of a particular experiment is in theory and accordingly alter the practical experiment to get the desired result. I am not dissing on the Indian education system (though I should), I am just stating facts.

Skip to a particular chemistry practical class, my entire class carried out the experiment and were anxious to leave. Turns out, my teacher was in a good mood so he went about one work station to the next examining his talented, inquisitive, young chemistry prodigies (read as disinterested, buffoons and mentally burnt-out by-products of the Indian education system). He stops at my station and have the following exchange:

Sir: (joyfully) Swasti, have you completed today’s experiment?

Me: (partial truth) Yes sir.

Sir: Were you able to take down all the observations?

Me: (partial truth) Yes sir.

Sir: Did you recognise the Chlorine gas that was evolved?

I was doing so well, until then. But at this question I faltered and it took me a moment to say yes sir and that was enough for him to take the test tube, (in which supposedly the experiment had been carried out) and shoved it right up my face, making sure the distance between my nostrils and the opening of the test tube was so little that the evolved chlorine gas went right up my nostril. Now, just a quick reminder, chlorine gas has an extremely pungent and irritating odour. And it is not me who classifies the gas as such. The entire chemistry academia has agreed on the words, ‘pungent’ and ‘irritating’ to describe the odour of chlorine gas.

Sir: Smell, smell. Recognise the smell? See, this is Chlorine. Notice its unique smell. Now your experiment is complete.

He remained oblivious to the damage this wrecked in my nostrils. It’s like it happened in slow motion. The particles of the gas went up my nose and I could feel the particles settle there one by one. The remainder of the day I kept getting the heebie-jeebies because of the recurring smell and the constant irritation. It took a lot of sneezes to get it out of my system. A luxury I wouldn’t have been afforded in the current pandemic state.

This might be a defining part of my trust issues. Now as soon as someone shoves something in my face saying, “Smell this!”, I immediately hold my breath. Be it a delicious dish or a good perfume. Then, very suspiciously I take a small wiff, making sure I don’t inhale too much of whatever it is.

Anyway, hoping this distracted you from the negative covid related news everywhere even for a couple of minutes.

Stay safe. Smell you later!

Why absolutely no one WINs during WINters

Reasons why I hate winters. I urge winters to revert back with an email explaining this behaviour.

  1. Every time I try taking of my pants/denims, my socks (which I don’t want to take off) also come off. Inverted. So, then I have to make the extra effort of turning the sock back in the right state and re-socking my feet. Till then, my wee little toes have to face the cold.
  2. Every time I burrow in my blanket with the laptop on top and my stubby fingers have the coldest knuckles which makes typing very hard. After a point, the only range of movement left in my cold knuckles is about 14°, which isn’t much. To be fair, I have to admit, the range of motion wasn’t great to begin with. If I owe someone any typed content and you haven’t received it yet, now you know the reason.
  3. Winters mess up my hair washing schedule. Enough said.
  4. The absolute frustration of putting on layers of clothes every time followed by one sleeve getting stuck midway. I hate it. It takes exponentially longer to get ready in winters.
  5. Making chai takes 50X longer in the winters and people consume chai 50X more often during winters. The milk just ignores the quivering stove flame underneath it. Freaking stubborn cold-hearted milk. (Does this qualify as a pun?)
  6. The tiniest little injury/bruise seems massive in the winters. Last week I had a miniscule splinter in my thumb and I can still feel the pain. I would have easily ignored it during the summers.
  7. The dhoop sekne wala timeframe does not match my class schedule. Main kab seku dhoop? And on days I don’t have my classes, there is no dhoop. Nainsaafi ki heights.
  8. All the extra seasonal vegetables that my mother gets a chance to kneed into the aata itself. So, my plate can look like a Pollock (look at me being all fancy, making art references) featuring aloo bathue ki sabzi, bathue ka raita and bathue wali roti. Just kidding, this isn’t true. It will be if you replace the aloo bathue ki sabzi with aloo methi 🙂
  9. I don’t like it when my sister uses me as a personal heater when she is cold and then throws me out of the blanket once she is warm enough.
  10. Nahi hai koi 10th point. Akad gayi unglian itna type karte karte iss jaade mein.

What even is this blog? A recycled meme storehouse? A storage container for weak puns? Baasi content? Ho kya raha hai idhar?!